Dying Embers
by nightprowler579
Summary: Ponyboy is depressed about Johnny and Dallas passing away. Inspired by a depression stage I went through a few years ago. Reviews and flames are appreciated. Warning: Self-mutilation. I don't own the Outsiders.
1. Chapter One

Three months, three long months it'd been since Johnny and Dallas died. Since Johnny breathed a last ragged breath, and Dally had been shot down under a street light near the lot. A whole lot had changed in those three months.

I woke up from a short nap; I hadn't been able to fall asleep til around four in the morning. Usually, Soda's warmth and light breathing would put me to sleep easily. But not for a while. I sat up in bed. I didn't have school today, but both my brothers still had work. Hopefully Two-Bit wouldn't be coming by too soon; I had something I needed to take care of.

As I walked to the bathroom, I noticed the silence of the house. Used to, this place was full of noise: laughter, music, yelling.. But not anymore. Two of our gang had passed away, and no one was anywhere near back to normal.

Especially me.

I opened the cabinet under the sink in the bathroom, and took a new disposable razor from the green basket. It still had a plastic cover over the blade. I slid it off. As I pressed the sharp metal against my arm, I thought about Dallas and Johnny. Gone forever, while I was still here. I should of been the one to die, not either of them. Yeah, I was the only one in the gang who had a future ahead of me, but I missed them more and more with each passing day.

The metal slid down my arm without difficulty, slicing through the skin. Blood bubbled to the opening. As I hissed in pain, I thought about how I deserved this: It was _me_ who had led the way into that burning building, _me _who had ignored Dally's insisting that we just leave the kids there to die. This was my fault.

Blood continued to seep from the wound, and I grabbed a couple tissues and pressed them against the cut. I'd heard of people cutting before, and I'd never understood why they did it. I also never thought I'd be in the position to find out what it was like. When I thought of all the pent-up anger I had towards the Socs, I just wanted to hurt something.

So I hurt myself.

It gave me the satisfaction I needed for the moment, but everytime I did it, I cut more than the last time. Pink lines decorated both arms, all the way from my wrist to my shoulder. I was running out of room, and would soon need another place.

The door slammed shut downstairs.

'Anyone here?' a voice called. Two-Bit.

'Yeah, hang on,' I yelled back. 'I'll be there in a minute.'

Hurriedly, I finished cleaning the blood off my arm, then flushed the bloody tissues down the toilet.


	2. Chapter Two

I walked into the living room, and saw Two-Bit had parked his butt in the middle of the couch. I muttered a greeting, then sat down next to him. I yawned.

'Hey kid, what you wanna do today?' he asked, never taking his eyes off the TV.

'I dunno, what you wanna do?'

'Me? I wanna eat somethin, I'm starvin',' he stood up, then walked into the kitchen.

'You want anything?' he asked, while digging through the fridge.

'Naw, I ain't hungry.' It wasn't entirely true. Even after three months, everything still tasted like baloney. I was hungry, but I was sick of the taste. It all reminded me of the times I wanted to forget: A dead Soc lying by the fountain in the park, Windrixville, Jay Mountain, Dallas, Johnny..

I didn't want to be reminded of it any more than I had to be. So I didn't eat.

I stood up though, and walked over to the fridge. I reached around Two-Bit, who was looking for sandwich stuff, and grabbed a bottle of Pepsi. That was one thing I could have that didn't remind me of everything.

I sat back down on the couch and drank from the glass bottle. The liquid burned as it ran down my throat, but it felt good. My mouth was dry. Two-Bit came back over with a turkey and cheese sandwich on a paper plate.

The day consisted of Two-Bit and I watching whatever was on TV, several times I was made to get up and change the channel. Two-Bit was still lazy as ever. That was one thing that would never change.

Soda and Steve got home about 6:30, and Darry an hour later. While dinner was cooking, Two-Bit, Steve, and Soda played cards. I just watched.

'Wanna play, Pony?' Soda asked.

I yawned. 'No, I'm fine.'

He turned back to the game. Used to, I'd be all over that. But ever since..

'Dinner's ready!' Darry hollered from the kitchen. Everyone jumped up.

Dinner was pretty normal, Steve was a chow hound as usual, and Two-Bit was talking with his mouth full. I just pushed my potatoes around my plate.

'Pony, you not hungry?' Soda asked. I looked up, and noticed the table had gotten quiet, and everyone was looking my way.

'Yeah..I mean, uh, no. No, I'm not very hungry.' I stammered.

'You feelin' alright?' Darry asked.

'I'm fine. I'm just gunna..go get ready for bed.'

Soda looked confused. 'Oh, well, okay Pony.'

I lay in bed for hours, not sleeping, just thinking. I wished I could just move on, everyone else was doing fine. I just..couldn't let go. I lay on my side, facing the door. Tears rolled down my cheek.

Why did they have to go? I loved everyone in the gang, even Steve sometimes, it was just so..different, without Johnny and Dallas. No one ever mentioned it, but everything felt so weird. Everyday, I'd wait for them to come through the door, Dally riled up about some Socs, and Johnny his shadow.

I knew they wouldn't though, and I needed to quit holding onto the false hope that they would.

The door opened, and in walked Soda. I shut my eyes. I felt him sit down on the bed, and he laid a hand on my head, in my hair. He ran his fingers through it, then laid down next to me.

'Hey, Pony, wake up.'

I opened my eyes and looked at him. Even though it was dark, I could see his brown eyes were filled with concern. I didn't want him to worry about me.

'What is it Soda?'

'I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?'

'I know.'

'Okay, good. Just making sure you knew that. Let's get some sleep.'

He threw an arm around me, and soon his light snoring could be heard. I lay there, under the protecting arm of my older brother, but I didn't sleep at all.


	3. Chapter Three

School was awful the next day. I fell asleep in my first class, and by the time I woke up, everyone had left for second period. Luckily, I had gym, and we weren't doing anything. I didn't get a detention. Thank goodness, that was the last thing I needed.

Classes went on as usual, every one of them, I'd fall asleep. Some I'd just doze off for a couple minutes, and be woken up by an annoyed teacher. Others, I'd only wake up when the bell rang. But, like first period, sometimes I'd just sleep through the bell.

Math was my last class. I sat down in my desk, got out a pen and my green notebook, and waited for class to start..

'Ponyboy, please wake up,' my math teacher, Mrs. Cox, shook my shoulder gently. I lifted my head. She knelt down by my desk, her hand still on my shoulder.

'Please come see me in the hall for a minute,' she said. She didn't sound mad, but I was still nervous.

Mrs. Cox was one of my favorite teachers, she'd further explain the lessons to me, since math wasn't my strongest subject. She was a kind woman. All the Socs in my class snickered as I followed her into the hall.

I leaned back against the lockers, and stuck my thumbs in my pockets. Mrs. Cox quietly shut the door.

'Pony, I know these last few months have been rough on you..' she started. I just looked at her.

'I know Johnny was a good friend of yours.'

Please, no, I thought to myself. I can't do this, not now. I looked at the ground, tears gathering in my eyes.

'Pony, it does no good to dwell on the past. I was devastated when my husband died, but I knew he wouldn't want me to stop living. Everyone has to die. Your brothers love you, Pony, they wouldn't want you to be this upset. You have people who care about you still, you haven't lost everything.

'Johnny was a good kid, I had him a couple years ago, and I know he'd want you to keep living as well. I didn't know your other friend, Dallas, but I know he would too. Johnny..he gave you something special. He gave you a great friendship, and, well, Ponyboy, that's what you hold onto; that's how you keep him alive.'


	4. Chapter Four

As I lay in bed that night, Mrs. Cox's words ran through my head. I could keep Johnny alive. He'd never be here again, but he would always, always live in my heart. Same with Dallas, Mom, and Dad.

I looked over at Soda. He was asleep, his mouth hanging wide open and drooling on his pillow. For the first time in three months, I cracked a smile. I truly had not lost everything: Soda was laying beside me, his arm around my neck. Darry was in the room next door. Steve and Two-Bit were just down the street.

I got out of bed, and walked down the hall to Darry's room. Quietly, I opened the door.

"Ponyboy, is that you?"

"Yes," I said, startled. I hadn't expected him to still be awake.

"Are you okay?"

I walked over to his bed, and he pulled me into it.

"You alright, Pony?" he asked again.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Darry." I yawned. "I just wanted to say that I love you."

He hugged me tightly. "I love you too, Pony. Go on back to Soda now, I'll see you in the morning."

I hugged him too, then walked back to mine and Soda's room. I wiggled under the covers, and back under Soda's arm. I smiled, then moved close to my big brother.

In less than a year, I'd lost four people. But, even through all that, there were another four who were there for me.. and always would be.


End file.
